If I had 300 million dollars I still wouldn’t eat ketchup out of a jar. That’s just dumb. My friend said if he won 300 million dollars he would buy an aircraft carrier and we could all live on it. Then for at least 5 minutes we described our new, rich lives completely in terms of The Hunt For Red October. One ping only.

If I really did have 300 million dollars I would first buy a ton of shit for myself. No doubt I would pay off and or buy new and or remodel any and all of my friends’ and family’s homes, but seriously, do you know how long it would take to formalize all that shit? In the meantime, I would buy so much worthless crap! I would have awesome beers imported for lunch everyday. Who gives a shit if I get drunk? People would rather I get drunk, because when I’m drunk there’s the possibility I would do something insane like fly all of us to Trinidad and Tobago just so I could figure out why it has two names. So really, I’m just giving the people what they want.

I would certainly buy an elected official if I had 300 million dollars. Maybe a sports team. That wouldn’t really be for me, but if you’re gonna have investments, they might as well be fun. And sometimes hot. I would also buy every copy of every DVD in the world. I could never watch them all, so it would be the ultimate paradox like the time the ninja had to not stab someone in order to save his town.

I would own a NASCAR team. Motley crew. They would get paid based on how ridiculous they could make the whole thing. Mustaches for all!

If I had 300 million dollars I would be in a constant state of skipping school.

LCK